Right now I'm sitting in the Phoenix College library, while Peg is in class. I should first of all be finishing my "creative" essay for my last business school application but all I can come up with in the way of "creative" are stupid gimmicks that involve either haikus or rewriting the lyrics to "Sweet Caroline." I don't think those will go over well with the business school admins. Besides that, I'm already over 10,000 words behind on my nanowrimo (national novel writing month) novel, and even though I was behind last year, this year it is far far worse.
I'm plugged up. I'm distracted and uninterested. But I'm hoping some good ole' blog ranting will help the problem.
The problem is, I haven't recovered from the election, and I can't figure out what to do about it. Mostly, I feel cheated out of the relief that an Obama election was supposed to bring. In the days before the election, I couldn't sleep, I was eating horribly, I ignored all my work on business school, I couldn't be near the internet without going on pollster.com to make sure obama was maintaining his healthy lead. I was dreaming about him.
The truth is, I developed a MAJOR crush on Obama, on the Obamas. I had a fantasy dream where I was friends with Michelle and Barack. Listening to him speak constantly renewed my faith in people and in this country. I truly think he is one of the smartest, if not the smartest, people I have ever heard or read. I have more faith in his ability to run this country than I have ever had in almost anything before.
At 9pm Phoenix time when he was announced the winner I was ecstatic. I got up at 5:30 that morning to volunteer at the democratic headquarters, and was exhausted from not sleeping but was ECSTATIC. I could hardly believe it and at the same time it seemed so obvious. Everyone was in tears.
The next day, I waited for the relief to set in. The night before, I had heard that Prop 102, the gay marriage amendment in Arizona had most likely passed. This was not a surprise and didn't really change anything about daily life for anyone in Arizona. Not to diminish it, it is horrible that it passed, but did hardly anything to dim the joy of Obama's win.
But then the news of Prop 8 in California set in. Before all the votes were even tallied the blame game set in. It was African Americans' fault it passed, it was the churches, it was the mormons, it was a poorly run campaign. Sad stories poured out about people who couldn't get married at the last minute. It ruined the day-after high.
I'm posting the rest of this rant in the comments section so that no one is forced to read my unintelligible spewing :)
4 comments:
(cont'd) The next day, I felt better. A fair number of people put the struggle in perspective, this was the beginning of a fight. We have a president who will help us, which we have never had before. I felt good again.
In the days after, protests sprang up (rightly so), people are petitioning to take away the tax status of the Mormon church (perhaps rightly so), lawsuits were filed, injunctions might be passed.
There are so many things I don't understand about it. How can a slim majority vote to take away the rights of a majority and have it written into a constitution?? The day after one of democracy's greatest triumphs EVER, one of its apparent weaknesses came to light. The suit has been filed on this topic and hopefully it succeeds.
What gets me the most about this process is how it brings out the worst in people. This was why I dreaded the measure on the Arizona ballot before the election, the Yes on 102 signs taunted me all over this beautiful state, and I truly don't know if I will ever be able to go to Prescott again, because I will walk around seeing those signs on every corner, lawn and bumper.
And I love the outrage, I really do. I think it is necessary and timely, and peaceful protests will do a lot for this cause. The passage of Prop 8 has invigorated many people who were stagnant before.
But then I read articles and hear radio stories, mostly because they usually made me feel better during Obama's candidacy. Here was a voice of calm, reason, hope. Maybe I got addicted to his calming influence and now that he's behind closed doors plotting the revamping of America I don't know what to do without it.
Today on the Huffington Post, a guy wrote an article about how the No on Prop 8 people should take lessons from Obama, shouldn't show hate or outrage, should focus on positives. And while I take his point, its a different visceral reaction when you had rights in your hands and they were taken from you. The Civil Rights movement didn't happen because people stayed calm. Thats what gets me about prop 8. It was taking rights AWAY. I even saw one of my best friends be married under California law, and now who knows what will happen. luckily there are other states. Anyway, it would have been great advice 6 months ago.
Similarly, today on NPR there was a Los Angeles African American lesbian who wrote an op/ed piece in the LA Times. Her main point was that gay marriage is a white homosexual issue (which is probably true, I've heard this before many times) and that the No on 8 people failed to engage minority communities in their campaign. I'm sure she is exactly right, again would have been nice to know 6 months ago (maybe she told them, I wasn't a part of it) but still, an excellent point especially considering the results of the election. But more than anything what I heard from her interview was a fierce expression of US vs THEM, US being african americans THEM being white gay people. Now she could easily say that "they" started it. The day after the election I already heard several people say "We gave them their first black president, and they couldn't give this to US?" Which is ridiculous for several reasons not least of which that it ignores the significant group overlap and that Obama is a once in a lifetime human being with the power to transform the world regardless of skin color.
But there was such anger in her voice, almost like she was happy it passed, because it showed "them." Peggy used the word schadenfreude (those Germans). I won't go into all the issues she brought up, though they were all good ones. But I wish she had been encouraging. She offered no solutions, just anger and blame. Just like the other side (well, the other side of No's).
Its already causing rifts in SUPPORTIVE families. People are so angry. Even I get mad at friends facebook statuses that express only joy about Obama.
And thats what Obama was so good at. Rising above the vitriol and making us look ahead to a joint future that is better for everyone. Where is he!? why can't he make some statement about those of us that are hurting today despite being thrilled he is going to be our leader? Not like he's busy or anything.
And all of this after the amazingness that was Obama's election. I hope that everyone can pull together and hold hands and sing kumbaya, but somehow I don't see this happening.
All of this is hanging over my head and then I see someone who was moved to tears by Obama's victory and I tear up again, supremely happy.
At the root of this is my fear that we're not as far as we thought. I hoped that when Obama took office, the Uniting American Families Act (UAFA) would pass easily. Then I could sponsor Peg and we would be able to live together in this country like our heterosexual counterparts can. California marriage wouldn't have changed that, and won't affect my life in any way. I get so scared though that these tensions, this blaming will stop us from making progress. That people within the gay community who have not been made to feel included will sabotage the movement, and those leading the movement for marriage will spit bitterness back instead of listening. More than anything, I want this cloud over my head to go away, to allow me to think straight again, to not be brought down by whatever article happens in front of my sight.
I do understand how people can argue both sides of marriage, I even understand how you could vote for prop 8, how you could be offended at the argument that compares marriage to civil rights like voting, walking into restaurants, freedom of movement. I'm sure it was a horribly run campaign that needs to pick itself up and run in a different direction, in the direction of the people who voted against it but weren't going to at the beginning.
I even feel weird protesting now, for a movement that might be heading in the wrong direction, although I think it is vitally important.
There's just so much work to be done. And I don't know what to do about it. Sorry for this long winded, un-eloquent word spewing, but its what I'm thinking about.
i like how you punish your loyal readers by forcing them to read the rest of the post in minuscule type.
:-P
you must have a different set up than I do! its normal for me...
either click on comments or "see entire post"...hmm...
So much for the trickle-down effect. Go Janet! We'll see how it goes. Until then my dear there is no need to be hasty. And yes we should follow Obama's example. It seems like the media (and everyone) is so quick to jump to the next "cabinet decision" or "smoking scandal." No one needs to give me a break, I'm happy tending to my changing the world major and hitting up the next human rights organizer meeting. Time to trickle up.
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